My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
