I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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