That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
