If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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