is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
