I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
