All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
