I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
