So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
