Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
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If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
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Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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