i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
