my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
