Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
