Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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