I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
