I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
