The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
