and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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