just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
