I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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