cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
