why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
