I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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