Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
