Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
