quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
