If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
