He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
