I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
