Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
