So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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