i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
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He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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