So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
