Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
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I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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