You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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