I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
