im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
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Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
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I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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