Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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