Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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