My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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