Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
