I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
