can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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