My liver just broke up with me...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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