Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
