I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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