He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
