I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
