Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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