A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
