when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
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i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
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They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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