It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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