doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
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Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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