Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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